| (no subject) |
[Feb. 3rd, 2009|09:39 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Hard Act To Follow - Grinspoon | ] |
Weight - Unchecked, careful tidying of the bathroom has rendered scales UA.
And on that point, priority tomorrow is to find them. Honestly, where else could scales live? At worst, the old sets could be found from the garage and put in bedroom.
The rule is, if you put on weight, that weight is fat. And that's not good.
Daily Milo and banana have been re enstated due to lack of the right kind of apples and the little incident last week. Accordingly, walking was increased, as were strength exercises.
We ahve a bit of a problem right now. Despite walking several kilometers a day in the same pair of shoes with no problems, suddenly ankle decides to get a blister. It should not be a problem but it is. Would quite happily tape it over and keep on walking howerver this body is shocking at wound healing. Scratched leg a few weeks ago and is still not closing over. Extremeties are the worst. Expect that the poor circulation is to blame here. Need to decide between switching to riding the exercise bike, where shoes are not required and allow it a chance to heal, or keep on keeping on.
The problem with switching to the bike is that it is difficult trying to work out how much riding needs to be done to equate with all the walks. Perhaps it would be better to have riding at at least two hours to cover all bases. Times the bike can be used and the places have restrictions on them. But that is a whole nother kettle of fish.
Saw Pdicksnap on Monday. Cruel woman, commented on my weight. Let's all ask somoene if they have lost weight, and when they reply in the negative, lets tell them that they look like they have. It is mean.
Not too long until Bike Time. It will be done tongiht as blister came to the fore today; not much was done in the way of walking.
At this point in time, insomnia is a good thing.
Thillie |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 26th, 2009|05:00 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Details in the Fabric - Jason Mraz | ] |
Weight - 81.3kg
How can one put on weight when they ensure they consume less than they use? We walk at least two hours a day, strength sets were doubled and increase each day whilst the intake drops.
Stomach is incredibly pudgy. Really wanted to be several kilos lighter when we see Pknob next week. Since said resolution the weight has come in droves.
Plan for now is to take away the nightly milo, banana and crackers. Need to be more proactive in avoiding family meals. Luckily we now have additional Guiding responsibilities that can make excuses.
Reckon our friends will hoard their takeaway wrappers so i can every now and then come home with them?
We also have another problem. Since we are leaving Pknob, we are gettting another. How do we get along with that? Pknob was really good. Even convinced her to chastise the nurses for trying to make me eat. She was eatierh dangerously oblivious or a dumb fuck. Probably both.
So long as you look normal to them they don't canre and will refuse to see. I reckon by the time I get into trouble it will be too late. Sad thing that it works like that, however it works in my favour.
Thillie |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 4th, 2009|09:41 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  chipper | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Northern Star - Melanie C | ] |
Weight - 79.5kg
I think that's all I need to say.
No, I will say that I'm going to change one 45min walk a day to two of them, minimum. And double the situps.
I've got hipbones again, but the excess skin and flab takes away from them. Bugger that is. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 6th, 2007|03:15 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Sisters | ] |
| [ | music |
| | WOW on Stef's puter | ] |
Weight - 86.2kg
Yes, am losing weight more :)
Had a bad week there where I put on a ridiculous amount, but then lost that and more the following. I now weigh in with jeans on :D And I lost over camp too. I managed to find a happy balance between eating little and keeping the toehr leaders of my back. Just hope I can do it this weekend. Will need to do plenty of walking thought; because I reckon that is what allowed me to lose and still eat. At camp I was constantly walking here and there from about five am till midnight.
Ghellie is getting a bit camp-sick; but buggered if you will get her to admit it. It's not normal for someone to be that damn obsessed over Guides. She seriously needs a LIFE.
T
PS - I know I hate to set goals for me, becasue that rarely works; but I do want to be at my third stone [82.3kg] by May. Wish me luck! |
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| Of weight, school and Ghellie |
[Feb. 21st, 2007|10:33 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  apathetic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | My Friends - Red Hot Chili Peppers | ] |
Weight - 89.4 STILL
Had a dodgy week foodwise. Ended up with me doing the whole sweaty exercise thing just to lose for TOWN club. I ended up turtling [No gain, no loss]. Idiot. So this week it's down to it. I really want to get that fucking second stone. People keep saying thet I look thinner every week, but I don't. They know it and I know it. Do they really think that my vision is that bloody bad?
School is okay apart from the decrepid mothers who think they are teh sex becasue they are old and have children. Then there are the school leavers who's first convesation I had heard of them was about how to get out of loseing your liscence for speeding. I'll be emo by the end of the term. If that happens perhaps there will be some hurt/comfort and the healing sexxors. Wouldn't mind a peice of arse right about now. And now for something completely different...
Ghellie has been weird lately. It seems she moves her obsessions around. She no longer obsesses over him, but now she obsesses over guiding. Ghellie feels she is on the edge of something. She is very urgy, and she has little idea why. She is in a place she does not want to be. She does not know how to get out of it. Ghellie feels 'Blurry' and 'Piss It All Away' by Puddle of Mudd. Ghellie wants to go walk on the beach right now, but she cannot because she has taken her pills. I think she does not want to take the pills anymore because things are too boring for her. The joy and wonderment at being normal and able have worn off, she sees what she has missed, what she is supposedly lacking. Ghellie is in a position where she can control how she feels. She can stop her pills and go crazy. Though why would anyone want to go into mania and depression? Maybe that way Ghellie will not have to think about life, what she does and does not have. Ghellie is full of feeling and she wants to let feeling out just a little bit. Just a little cut. But we all know what she thinks little is. On Monday night, we had a talk with Waratah. It made her feel so loved and happy. She felt as though someone was hugging her. Then a while after it made her feel so horrible and icky. Waratah mentioned she was worried that we would start bringing the candle at both ends again. Ghellie thinks that Waratah believes this caused Ghellie to go all wiggy. Well, it is probably half right. The anorexia probably didn’t help matters either. Ghellie felt loved because someone cared enough about her to say so; that maybe there was a real reason she was 'asked' to leave the seniors [not because they hate her] but then Ghellie felt bad, because... maybe because she should not feel loved... maybe because she wants to do so much more. cuss she feels she is right back where she left off when she went crazy. Ghellie wants to run herself ragged. She does not feel she is doing enough to make up for whatever. Ghellie wants to work so so so hard at anything. She does not want to sleep. She wants to run, write, study, and do manual labour. I don't think she is manic, she is just restless. She can’t see the black smoke people; or feel them. She thinks the idea of her being able to change the weather is ludicrous. Took her fucking long enough. I'll get another seroquel into her to settle her. She wants to do things that are bad for her but she does not care. Thillie |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 9th, 2006|11:32 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  discontent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | What Do You Need? - Goo Goo Dolls | ] |
Weight - 92.4kg
Have been ABSOLUTELY FOUL the last three days. It started on Thursday, I was reading something about Vegimite, and got the worst cravings. Had a million peices of vegimite on toast. And then at school after the exam, I had a sav in batter and a crossiant. Then chocolates that had melted in my car.
Resloved not to eat on Friday. However I was babysitting, and was astoundingly early, so pulled into a maccas and at THREE sausage Mc Muffins, two hash browns and god knows how much coffee. Then I get to the sitting. The kids would not eat unless I ate. So I had banana and sandwitches, and coffee's with normal sugar and full cream milk.
Get home, and having fish and chips for tea. And I had MORE vegimite on toast. AND MORE sandwitches.
Today I started off well. Then I get home from work and ate god knows what.
On Thursday morning i weighed 90.4kg. I HAVE PUT ON TWO KILOGRAMS. FUCKING FOUL DISGUSTING CREATURE!
I almost wish that I would let her self injure over this, becasue it is just disgraceful. But I need to stick with my guns. A skinny person with scars is not terribly attractive. She will do a few hours on the exercise bike tonight. And many more over the next few days.
Just really PISSED OFF tonight. Don't you hate it when all your hard work and care gets thrown back in your face, and then they piss on you?
Thillie |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 9th, 2006|04:13 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cold | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Truth Is A Whisper - Goo Goo Dolls | ] |
Weight - 94.8kg
I've lost weight for thriteen weeks in a row. That's THREE MONTHS. Twelve kg in three months. Still dont't seem enough.
I got one hell of a chewing over at LSC with regards to my eating. Fuck them, right in their bungholes.
Got a nice award at TOWN, a cool button and a $20 ColesMyer gift voucher. And this week I get my O button cus the fuckers still haven't given it to me.
Off to guides now, so bye! |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 29th, 2006|04:00 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Sisters | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Typing and snuffling | ] |
Weight - 96.1kg [with clothes.... JEANS!]
Weight is getting off really well now. I'm felling that not need to eat thing. Working so well. Havent felt it since... well, the first time around. Managed to miss food and hide it on camp. Fuckers. We will need to have a discussion with the leaders about next year. How dare they suddenly decide to stuff me with food! Evil creatures.
Bought new clothes, but was stupidly expecting to find it easier and that I was thin enough to fit into normal clothes. I learnt qiuclky that that was not the case. Proves I need to keep on going and not have a break. Although I did have maccas last night.
Anyway, things are going good, school starts again on Tuesday [As I now have Monday's off :)] And so does guides.
Thillie |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 1st, 2006|07:49 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  embarrassed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | We'l Be Here [When You're Gone] - Goo Goo Dolls | ] |
Weight - 97.0kg
Am currently watching myself eat a pie. Not a party pie or something mroe respectable, but a big fat greasy footy pie. I feel full but I just can't stop myself and I fucking HATE IT. What on earth posessed me to buy it? Much less cook it and eat it. Fucking foul, disgusting and irredeemable.
I hope to god and sunny fucking jesus that I am nauseus tonight to throw up. Why do I do these stupid things to myself?
Thillie |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 30th, 2006|03:13 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | complacent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Who Knew? - Pink | ] |
Weight - 96.9kg
Went shopping this arvo after the nausea dies down. Got a pair of shoes for $5, which are really nice. It is an absolutely gorgeous day outside, and I am about to head down to Bremlea to walk on the beach. Its got surf, sand and dunes and not a soul goes down there. At least at this time of year. But today is that first day when you get a smell of summer. God I love it!
Dyed my hair last night, and I diddn't do a half bad job of it. Now I just need it trimmed. I don't think I will go really short again. Well, not for a while.
Here's a joke -
A travelling salesman rings the doorbell and 10 year old little Johnny answers holding a beer and a lit cigarette. The salesman says 'Little boy, is your mother home?' Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says 'What the fuck do you think?'
I thought it was funny :)
Thillie |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 30th, 2006|12:03 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Bit muntiful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Breaking the Girl - Red Hot Chilli Peppers | ] |
Weight - 97.3kg
My jeans are getting baggy. Which is a very good thing. Not sure if not eating is causing the nausia, but I don't want to risk it. At least today. Less than 24hrs until I can have a meal.
Kelly came over tonight. I think it was good for both of us. She took me around to see the house that she and some mates are moving into soon. Out of all our group, I excpected Kylie to move out first, then me, the Kelly then Steph. After all, Kelly is the second youngest, a month between her and Steph. I am the eldest by about 10 months. Two years seperate us all. Now isn't Guiding great? :) :P
Steph's nanna died on Thursday. It sucks. I dont know what more I can do for her other than being something normal in her life. I guess that would be enough. There are other people, like Kelly, who fill the role of friend/confidant. I'm normalcy.
Thillie |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 20th, 2006|09:00 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | sick | ] |
| [ | music |
| | CSI | ] |
Weight - 98.4kg
The numbers say it all, don't they? Haven't been able to exercise since Wedensday, have been sick as a dog. But managed to do a walk up to and back from the park today, and I've gooten away with eating fuck all.
I'm hoping Will doesn't get this cold shit, cus he and mum are off to NZ on Wedensday. Can you imagine the poor little bugger stuck on a plane feeling like shit?
Anyway, the floor just won't stop moving on me, so I might just lie down.
Thillie |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 10th, 2006|09:06 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | Tad chilly... | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Flat On The Floor - Nickelback | ] |
Weight - 99.6kg
Just watch those numbers fall. So far, in the last five weeks I have lost over 5kg. And its so easy. I think I now live on water and exercise. Well, I did have toast last night, a celebration of my loss. And that fucking doughnut. It made me feel so fucking disgusting, and Ghellie went all emo after it, and missed her pills. Sometimes she just does not fucking think.
My jogging is going well too. I feel I am getting fitter, although I have had to move my track to up near the chooks, and its taken me a few days to get the distances right to where I was at before. But it feels so good, I couldn't give a flying fuck if its wrecking my knees. I'm doing something that I never could before. Its freedom. And weight loss. Well... half from running and half from not eating.
You should see what Paige got me for my birthday. A fluffy tiara reading 'birthday girl' which lights up. If she actually paid for the fucking thing, she paid too much. Do I have a sign on my head reading 'I LOVE STUPID TACKY PRESENTS!'? Truthfully, I would be happier with a hankie.
School is getting back on track, and I am getting caught up with work. Not so bad.
Somehow I was volunteered for a full day at the guide BBQ on sunday at Bunnings. Bluebird, I will kill you. Fucker. At least I have work to break it up. Woot! Working for money!
Must admit, got a very nice paycheck this week. About $50 more than I expected. So I go spending it on shit again. A book, some bra's [that make me look all puffy and pointy] and sorta paying off Mum [I buy some groceries that we need like milk and coffee].
Ghellie is being an emo shit lately. Making things harder than they should be. And I really need to get rid of that lithium. I have over three boxes worth! Wonder if I can sell it to schoolies?
Thillie |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 21st, 2006|11:50 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | cold | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Quasimodo - Lifehouse | ] |
Weight - 102.7
Its not coming off fast enough and that's because I'm being a fatty poomba. Ghellie has this thing about food going to waste. I keep pointing out that it goes to the chooks, and is therefore not a waste. But her and her guilt complex...
TOWN club was fantastic, I was Princess, and now have a pretty green button on my felt.
Jogging is going ok, however I didn't get a chance this morning because BI-LO want me in early, so there goes my jog. I can do it when I get home I suppouse. I love the feeling after it, that you have acheived something. Ghellie gets all hyperactive.
Told off for having the wrong pants at work yesterday. Seirously, who looks at your pants? And I've seen her wear pinstripe pants too in the past. But that will have to wait until I can get the cash up to do so. I supouse if I weren't such a LARD ARSE i could fit into my old ones. Well, bugger all that.
Anyway, have to get ready for Hell now. At least Norma isn't there :)
Thillie |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 11th, 2006|09:35 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Lullaby - Creed | ] |
Weight - 103kg
I love just watching the numbers go down. I love weighing. First you go in and weigh with everything normal on, bar shoes. Then you take some off, about what you would have on to weigh in at TOWN club. Then you take everything off, glare at your fatness in the mirror, and weigh again. Then you put it all back on again and go to the toilet. and then you do it all again. I only do that once a day though. In the morning I just go to the toilet and weigh with my jamies, then naked, then dressed. And at night for my shower, I do the same, except in reverse. And i sometimes weigh myself naked after my shower if I'm not sure it was a good reading. I have all the numbers in my head for a day, to compare with yesterday's and then I forget all except the jamies and the TOWN one, cus therye the ones that matter for town. A bit obsessive I know, but it seems like nothing.
Today mum got me to have half a slice of toast in the morning because I was feeling sicky. And then, she throws the other half to the chookies. See, I have to eat what I'm allowed, no more and no less. That is perfect control. And I couldn't make another slice, half it and have it tomorrow night, because I would eat at TOWN. So I ended up having a full other slice. Thanks mum. It would have been around an extra 200kj for me to burn. But no matter, I can ride my bike tonight. Do an extra twenty minutes.
Paige is really starting to shit me the way she keeps using twenty icons in a message, send it and repeat it about thrity times. Once it was kinda funny, but after that it was just fucking rude and annoying. Grow up.
By the way... me and Ghellie have got the same icons now :)I must admit, the idea is kinda clever, even though the means is somewhat lacking...
Thillie |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 10th, 2006|09:30 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | complacent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The nice warm heater buzzing at my legs | ] |
Weight - 103.5
Finally, it's going down. Twas getting quite tricky to avoid that bread last night, but because I managed that, and nothing today, it all paid off. See? It pays off, you just have to keep at it.
Those chicks on TAF [Notice how it is 'fat' spelt backwards? :P] haven't a clue. I know my thinking is dostorted, but I want it this way. I can look at food and go 'I'm not letting myself eat that, I can't have that' and it is an example of perfect control. Anorexia is perfect control. It makes you feel so powerful, knowing that if you don't eat that, then the numbers will fall. That you have control over something that has made your life turn to shit. Control over a basic instinct.
The headaches... I'm not sure if theyre here because of not drinking so much, or because of the not eating. The nausia is back, so it must be the not eating. Wait for your stomach to settle before you slip another panadol.
Today in class we were all given a MIMS to look at, and Timbles and I went through pointing out all the drugs we had been on or were on. I think I won that competition. And we had a kind of D&M while I was waiting for my bus. It was cool.
Guides. Well, last night I get a call from Cris, the Surfcoast leader. And she says that my unit was reccomended to her to visit, as part of her and her counterpart's leader training. By Dot. Dot is THE go - to person for anything guiding related in the Barwon region. She trained me. She thinks I've got a good unit going! Woot! *happy dance* And they had a great night tonight, and everyhting was cool, and they asked for things to take back to their unit :) Oh yeah! I'm good! Oh yeah! I'm good! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 9th, 2006|09:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | content | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Breakfast at Tiffany's - Deep Blue Something | ] |
Weight - 104.8
Eating has been easy the last three days. I can refuse food again. I can refuse myself food again. I'm putting on weight, but that is because I haven't been exercising. I did a half hour last night when I couldn't sleep, but thats all.
Had to make up some cd's of all the shit I've downloaded, because I can't upload my ipod, and William can't either. So we're going to re-install it, and that means putting it all on again. Grr...
Had Grandma and Grandpa around for tea, not happy. She bought trifle and Vienetta around, so there would be something for everyone. Can people not realise that they are putting people out by being overly kind? Oh bah humbug me :) :P
Work was good, but it got really busy, kinda like Christmas, but with only two checkouts open. I've learnt to refer them to the supervisor for complaints. Then I don't have to hear it as much :)
Well, things overall ahve been real positive this weekend and well.. since Janette's. It should stay this way.
Thillie |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 27th, 2006|06:01 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Come hell or high fuckin water | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Break Me, Shake Me - Savage Garden | ] |
Weight - 105.1
Somehow I've managed to put on .4kg in five hours. And for two of those hours I was exercising. Another half hour I was probably pissing. God, I've got alot of work to do in eighteen hours. Twenty four if we mean before TOWN club.
It just means I'm not working hard enough. The scales never lie.
Four more tonight and another two in the morning.
She doesn't want to do anymore. She thinks that you can get thin by missing the odd meal and going for a little ride every second day. Well, when you weight that much, you just fucking can't.
Thillie |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 26th, 2006|09:41 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Happy, but really gotta piss | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Hook - Movie | ] |
Weight - Unknown.
At my sister's house, and doing ok, except for the little Macca's incident last night, whaich has been taken care of. By way of exercise, ahve done numerous and odd amounts. Suffice to say, Have done eleven hours total here. I let her have a bowl of cereal, don't want her feinting and being pointed out.
So much more relaxed and pliable here. Fun times, lots of little incidents, like tonight where it was known that Kellie was 'smoked out' when she was born; ie induced. And the fact that I have a vagina.
Slept alot over the last few days. I'd hate my sister to think that I only want to be here to sleep and exercise. Meh, they know I love them.
Can't wait to get on the scales again, see how much I have lost [Or lets be realistic, gained] Gotta go piss again.
Thillie |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 14th, 2006|04:28 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Concerned | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Side Of A Bullet - Nickelback | ] |
Weight - 102.4kg
I think the only good thing to come out of Ghellie's recent low, is that she is not eating a thing, not even milo. Just diet cordial. Ghellie, sweetie, you are good for that. Be proud, hold onto that.
However the bad thing is she [and consequently, myself] is a complete and utter mess. Ghellie is just not taking care of herself. Showers, teeth cleaning, even changing her clothes and knickers hasn't happened since the weekend or before.
Thankfully, things aren't feircely suicidal, and there has been no self injury. Even that seems bad, she is just too depressed and doesn't care about anything.
I know she has to do something to break this lull, preferrably before she misses anymore pills. I was thinking of going for a walk, but I can't trust her not to jump in front of a car on the spurr of the moment. No, she's not that much danger to herself, but if Dr Taylor does not go well tomorrow, I don't know what will happen.
I don't want to die yet. Things were going ok. And she needs to know that things will be ok again. |
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